The hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do in my life was to hold my daughter’s hand as I watched her take her final breaths. I’ve only shared that with a few people because it really…fucking…hurts.
That evening,September 5th, 2022, Shalamar and I knew what was coming. We knew that the inevitable was near. We knew that we were going to lose our sweet Olivia. My biggest fear was that in Olivia’s final moments, she would feel scared and alone, so the only thing I knew to do was to hold her hand, and just tell her how much I loved her.
I don’t like to write. Shalamar is great at it. I am not. But I realized, maybe people would like to hear my perspective as well. Maybe, if there is another father going through a similar situation, it will help him to not feel so alone, and maybe, by writing about it as opposed to holding everything in, it can help me with my grieving.
It’s been about eight months since Olivia’s death. Since then, I’ve quit my job at Exxon, we’ve sold our house along with most of our belongings, and we bought a fifth wheel, deciding to travel the country in search of a new life. Right now I feel completely lost. I’ve lost my identity. I’ve lost my purpose. I’ve lost most of my friends by pushing them away because I don’t know how to relate to them anymore. The old me is gone. My life has been shattered. I’ve been stripped down to nothing, and now, I have to figure out a way to build myself back up. I have to find a new purpose, a new identity, a new life.
I have no idea what I’m going to do, or what the future holds. Olivia was so full of love and life. Now, I want to honor her in the way I live my life. I want to make her proud. I don’t give a shit about money, or belongings, or climbing the corporate ladder. When Olivia was born, I thought the best gift that I could give to her was setting the right example in the way that I loved her mother. I will continue to do that. Shalamar is the best human being that I know, so I will continue to love her with everything that I have. She is my rock, she is my strength, and she is Olivia’s mother.
Keith,
We cannot even begin to imagine the pain and loss you have experienced. Olivia's story has touched so many people, and your decision to share your viewpoint is both courageous and powerful. It takes a lot of strength to open up about such a personal experience. Your perspective as a man, husband, and father going through this kind of experience may indeed bring comfort and hope to other fathers and men who are going through their own parallel experiences.
I commend you and your wife for taking such a bold step in starting a new chapter in your lives. We all hope that this new nomadic journey brings you both comfort, healing, and new beginnings. Please know that wherever…
Keith,
I cannot begin to understand the pain and loss you and Shalamar have gone thru and I have kept my distance out of respect for you both. But you both are always on my mind, my door and ear are always available to you and Shalamar. You are both my family and always have my love and respect. May you find your way thru this dark chapter in your life and may a brighter future be in your path.
Keith,
I've not met you yet, I've met Shalamar and she is indescribably wonderful. And your daughter...she was beyond a precious gift. The journey your family has been on has touched my heart, has broken my heart and continues to show grace, humility, awe. You will never be the same - and that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Being Olivia's dad taught you so many things, some being exactly what you said...that material things are meaningless, void. Status quo or what the world sees as "sucess" falls so short. Your family has experienced every parent's worst nightmare. You're absolutely correct...It's impossible to "relate" to what most people call problems when you've experienced such a great devastation and are…